Kaleidoscope

As my foolish thoughts unfold,

So do my sins and the lies that I’ve told,

I stand alone in the volley of my misgivings,

Shut in from the break of day, shut out from the living.

Trying to reach out to the world outside,

But no one heard me as I cried,

Like crushed pieces of glass in a kaleidoscope ,

Weaving patterns of distant hope.

Fleeting moments of clarity,

What to think, what to believe?

And as if by a miracle it dawns on me,

What has befuddled my mind for all of eternity.

Because in the end we all want to hope,

Because in the end we all want to believe,

Because in end we’ve all been shown,

Yes, in the end we stand alone.

Waiting

I chide myself for not weeping today,
for the tears won't fall,
no they won't flow
not today, not any day...

I chide myself for being so weak,
for my weakness brings me hope
and hope will be my end.

I chide myself for the thoughts,
oh so childlike,
I only wish they would stop,
spare me this time, but they won't.

I chide myself for the pain I caused,
should the scars heal with time,
should the ache in my chest abate...
It is for that day I wait.

Let there be darkness

"Coz it's alright, just follow the light- Don't be afraid of the dark"-Travis

I've always loved the dark. Strange as it sounds, happiness finds me there. Sometimes, when I come back from a long day in college, I simply love switching the lights off in my room and just relaxing.
Something about darkness intrigues me and as I try to understand that today, I will share my thoughts and discoveries with you.


Some questions come to my mind.

What is darkness, really?
Why is it that when I type 'darkness' in any search engine, I get redirected to 'fear related quotes'?
Finally, why do most people fear the dark?


As I try to address these questions in my mind, I can't help but dwell on the last one which is- why do people fear the dark? Perhaps this fear is deep rooted in some, and superficial or not-so-deep-rooted in others. Humans have a tendency to fear the unknown and sadly, darkness does bring with it a sense of uncertainty.  You never know what darkness will bring with it. Whether it is stubbing your toe twelve times over which is rather painful, or finding something unpleasant...or simply having a strange sense of  vulnerability-the dark can scare you.

Why does darkness bring out the feeling of being vulnerable in us? What is it that compels us to feel afraid of it, haunted even, by it? Perhaps the reason is that it is in the darkness, that we really feel alone.
No one wants to be alone. Sure, we have those days when we want to be left alone and don't feel like talking or interacting with others. But really, to be alone isn't the best thing always.  Loneliness finds its friend in darkness. Together, they like to haunt us, sneer at us and put us in a very cold place.

 There is one thing though, that really intrigues me. Consider a scenario where you are home alone and it's night time. The lights go off. You struggle to find your way in the dark, feeling the furniture-anything that comes in your way and you take small, careful steps. So, so afraid you might fall and get hurt. I like to dig a little deeper into this entire process. Try to look at it from a different angle. Just as we struggle to find our way in the darkness, we struggle to find our way in the darkest periods of our lives. We stumble a couple of times, maybe even fall once or twice. But we rise. We get up and we pursue our quest to find ourselves, to find the solutions to our problems and to find the answers to our questions.

So before I sign off today, I'd like to reiterate that darkness is not to be confused with something that is negative and something that we should fear. Sometimes our darkest days can be the best thing that could have ever happened to us as they develop us, redefining who we are as a person. Ultimately, darkness will transition into light. Perhaps it is only then that we realize how important darkness really is, for it is darkness that teaches us to appreciate the light.


Xoxo
Nikita

The song I couldn't complete.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who's the biggest fool of them all?
Tales of lies and deceit,
Beg for mercy at your feet,
No love lost, No love gained,
My words will be all that remains,
I won't fight, will show restraint
I will never confess again,
Will never hurt,
Won't ever break,
will never speak for your sake...

Random musings

Those empty eyes,

They stare at me,

As I try to search for something deeper,

I find nothing.

Thoughts flooding my head,

When all I want is silence,

But the spirits speak to me.

What is there?

What is not?

Confusion and chaos.

The sound of a shattering glass,

dark and morbid,

haunts me from beyond.

Is there some air?

Breathe life into me.

I’m coming undone…

Photographs

A few photographs that I took recently.
I simply loved the colors of the first snap. I'm not big on chunky jewelry as such but together all of them sort of amalgamated to give a burst of color!

The second shot I took when I was feeling slightly melancholy. I'm partial to black-and-white formats, plus I think it brings out the shadows and the interplay of light and shadows well.

The third was just a random experiment. The main idea behind the snap was the importance of time in our lives, the globe-like shape with a tiny clock in the middle led me to think about how in our world time is such a crucial player. Indeed, timing is everything.

The last shot was taken at Khan market, New Delhi. I just wanted to capture the hustle and bustle of a typical weekday in Khan and I hope I have captured the energy of the place.

Someone told me recently that I should start practicing more with my camera. Touche! I definitely will. :)

New Beginnings

Three years have come and gone, and I stand today wondering how so much time has just gone by without me noticing. All those moments that have made up this time are etched in my memory, I wouldn't say like imprints on sand as the water washes them away. No, these memories are mine to keep.

So much has happened. So many ups and downs. above all, I have realized that in between the mayhem called "College"  I have managed to find some wonderful friends! As I sit now, reminiscing about the days we have spent together, I wonder where will life take us now? While it's true that new chapters are going to begin in all our lives, it is also true that we won't ever forget each other.

This is a time for new beginnings. For all of us. And I hope with all my heart that wherever life takes us, it will bring us back together time and again.

I love you, my girls.

That's all for now dear readers, I will be back soon to update you all.

Xoxo
Nikita

Dreams.

The little dreamer who always dreamt,

Of a land far away where her days were spent,

Where she was the sole ruler of her own destiny,

Where luck played the joker and she played the queen.

Far far away and hidden from the world,

There danced the spirits and there played the girl,

It was where she could be anyone she wanted to be,

Where she wasn’t afraid to be herself, where she could believe.

She always wanted to sing her song,

And in her little wonderland everyone played along,

They told her she could reach for the stars if she tried,

But the little girl was scared and her dreams just died.

The little girl soon began to lose her voice,

What a shame, what a shame! For she always had a choice,

She could merge the two worlds and choose to be,

For our world wasn’t so cruel after all, she could see.

Look what I found...

this post has been a "draft" on my dashboard since October 2009. Finally felt like posting it.

To many people who read this post,it might seem like I'm blogging about a small,little thing.After all,Don't we all have a second cousin who drops out of an engineering college? To many,it might also seem like a knee-jerk reflex after watching 3 idiots.While I concede that I've seen the movie twice and I identify alot with Farhan(essayed brilliantly by Madhavan),This is not about 3 idiots.This is about my journey,a journey which everyone embarks on after they 'grow up',that is,after their schooling is over.It's about my stepping out into the adult world,my choices,my mistakes.It's about learning from those mistakes.It's about realising the true value and worth of Family and Friends.I write openly,because I want everyone to learn from my mistakes.Every child should know the importance of speaking up his/her mind about what he/she wants to do with life and not keep quiet for fear of negative reactions from parents.

Till the 12th grade,I was a very confused kid.I didn't know what I wanted to do,and I'm sure many more face the same problem.I didnt have a clear cut direction or a goal,and being the irresponsible and carefree soul that I was(am),I never gave it much thought.Beyond getting a certain mark in the CBSE board,I really did not have any other aim.Everything was left to my parents to decide.Life was only about tv,movies,books,school,tuitions etc.And in the back of my mind,if ever there was a question as to What after...?,It was calmly answered with "Engineering".But I wasn't totally reassured.You see,I didn't take science because I loved it.I took it,because I was expected to,like every other indian kid is.Not that I regret taking it up,for by the end of 12th,I did start understanding(Finally!),and managed to score well.Physics and Chemistry were never my strong points.I didn't love them,the way I loved Economics and Mathematics.I'd often thought to myself,If ever I'd do well in something,It'll be in the economics side.But I was scared of my father's reaction,so I buried it deep in the pits of my unconscious.He did not want me to struggle,as he had done.."A professional course is the way to go!" was declared unanimously by family and friends.And I'd accepted my fate,as it is.Besides,everyone,myself included did not have enough faith that I would manage to clear the monstrous cut-offs for Economics(H) in D.U. which was what I really wanted to do(But at that time,I wasn't very sure either)My fate was pretty much sealed,that's how I'd shut myself up.I was being pressurised,as most Indian middle class kids are,to take up engineering as their career.My parents,ofcourse,only wanted the best for me.They've fought tooth and nail to ensure my brother and I get the finest education.So after the 12th boards,barely 4 days after actually,I started preparing for entrances like the rest of my classmates.A month after,I got admitted to a university in the south.Friends congratulated me,My Family was ecstatic.Everyone was happy.But in the hullaballoo that was ensuing,noone,not even I,myself noticed that I wasn't happy.

When I got my CBSE result,my instant reaction was to thank god,for I'd get to do what I wanted.But then,a disapproving picture of my parents floated in my mind,and I didn't think they would let me.I thought "forget it,if i can score this much in the board,maybe I might be able to do engg. and even like it".I started learning programming basics,and to my surprise,I was liking it.But still,it wasn't all reassuring.Outwardly,I was happy at the prospect of a new chapter beginning in my life.Hostel life,a good degree,all that was enticing.But looking back,I think I should've spent my time in those days giving a great deal of thought as to "Am I doing the right thing?"..."Is it really enough to just do what the whole world says is good for you?"...I never paused to think to myself.."Do I think it's good for me?".What did I think? It seems I didn't ask myself all these questions then.I left all the thinking to my parents.

Finally the time came when I left for my "college-to-be" with my parents.A weird mixture of feelings was sloshing around inside me.I was sad as I was leaving my brother back home.Brothers,no matter how annoying-are still brothers! :D.
I was also a little intrigued at the idea of going to a new place,making new friends etc.I reached the same day in the evening and immediately,we started unpacking.My room was set up the next day.My mom,who believes in phone diaries in the age of contact lists on cellphones and cassette players in the age of ipods(And I love her for all this),was clicking away with her Olympus reel camera.Dad was mostly quiet,but he was ensuring I get the best of everything there.I think it took me one more day,for the feeling to sink in.It was beginning to hit me,as I walked alone around the campus the second evening."What am I,Nikita Sailesh,doing here?".The feeling was sickening,it was like a horrible knot in my stomach.Besides the realisation that My parents are leaving me here for four years,I was beginning to realise I wasn't meant to be here.Don't get me wrong though-I DID happen to meet a few good people there,but at that time,it was more about what I really,really wanted to do

This was then,Now is Now.


Today, I'm proud to say that I am a student of Economics in one of the best colleges in Delhi University. I'm proud that I've managed whatever little I have. Lessons that were meant to be learnt have been learnt,and the learning process still continues. . .
I'm proud to have the most amazing circle of friends anyone could have-to me you all are like the "leaning tower of spaghetti" (hehe). Love you all- In times of trouble,stress,anxiety,it is you all who help me get through it
There may be ups,there may be downs-but it is this time we will look back on-and we will remember each other and the fun times we had,together :)