Destiny bound

One of the many things I often mull over in my head is the existence of "destiny". Destiny, Kismet , Fate. . .

Do you ever feel some sort of inner turmoil when you wonder where you're actually headed? A confusion that entangles your mind as you face the big question :What am I doing here? Where do I go from here?. No one can know their future for certain,yet we love to have some control over it-by way of planning for the future,planning our paths. Yet, does such a thing as destiny really exist?

Often when I experience such a turmoil, I tell myself that my destiny will take me where I am supposed to go. But is it all pre determined or do we control our own destinies,or our own fate? I think we do. I think we indeed,are masters of our own fate. However, I like to believe that just like every substance on earth has magnetic properties and feels a pull, just like that,we also feel a pull towards something. And it is this pull that drives us towards our own "destiny". We foster a sort of staunch belief in something,we are drawn to it. We resolve to attain it,and we are driven. It is this pull that eventually makes us all bound towards our kismet.
So there really is no reason to despair. Like a magnet's proper orientation can make it's pole face the opposite and thus help it attract the other,We too eventually find our own orientation,find our direction or "disha" and guided by the forces,we move towards it.

Or so,I like to believe . . .

:)

Confessions of a couch potato

Sometimes I often think I find reality a little too hard to deal with. When everyday seems like a painfully mundane rut I'm stuck in,I constantly find myself seeking ways to keep away from the real world,and take off in a bubble of my own. Glazed eyes in the middle of a Micro lecture, I'll be far away in my own dream world-complete with rainbows, butterflies, and my very own Adonis to boot. Or I could be drifting into the future, my future apartment,future job,future me. The need to keep myself amused never ceases,and perhaps this seems to be my greatest folly-I get bored with what's around me too easily.

Which brings me to what I really love-my companion on bleary days,my best friend-known to some as the idiot box,television,people is my one true love. A temporary refuge from my dull life,it gives me an escape like no other. I can overdose on episodes of "Lie to me" all day. Dr. Cal Lightman best fits my description of an ideal man.Or I could be soaking in "How I met your mother". Movie marathons-whatever is on HBO or Star Movies from horror flicks to tacky action,to slapstick comedy,to the staple romcoms,anything and everything.If it's on,I definitely will be watching.What I love most about t.v. is that it will never leave me. It's simply there,offering me the solace and company you seldom get.

But as I find myself in front of the telly more that in front of what I really should be infront of,It makes me think if I really am letting this addiction go a little too far. I often get so absorbed,I won't eat for hours without realizing. What if i'm losing out on other aspects of life? the real aspects.
That really is somthing for me to think about. In the meantime,Masterchef's on.
:)

Happy Independance Day

Today's the day!


Today's the day I wish all my fellow Citizens a very Happy Independance Day.This day always makes me feel special somehow.It's the day I feel some sense of pride in being Indian-and in everything Indian.Yes,I take out my orange,green kurta and pair it with my carefully chosen white patiala(Not to forget,matching earrings!) :).
It's a day dedicated to celebrating freedom.

Now here is the word I love the most-Freedom

A simple enough word,but yet to me,it is intense. FREEDOM is defined by the free farlex dictionary as follows:

1. The condition of being free of restraints.
2. Liberty of the person from slavery, detention, or oppression.

3.a. Political independence.
b. Exemption from the arbitrary exercise of authority in the performance of a specific action; civil liberty: freedom of assembly.

4. Exemption from an unpleasant or onerous condition: freedom from want.

5. The capacity to exercise choice; free will

6. Ease or facility of movement: loose sports clothing, giving the wearer freedom.

7. Frankness or boldness; lack of modesty or reserve: the new freedom in movies and novels.

8.a. The right to unrestricted use; full access: was given the freedom of their research facilities.
b. The right of enjoying all of the privileges of membership or citizenship: the freedom of the city.

9. A right or the power to engage in certain actions without control or interference: "the seductive freedoms and excesses of the picaresque form" (John W. Aldridge).

One word,so many meanings. Personally,it is the first one that strikes me most.
"Freedom from restraints of any sort".This is the kind of freedom I long for.
Every Independance Day,I make a resolution. I resolve to be free from whatever I think holds me back. It is mostly different things,trivial constraints and sometimes bigger too. This year I resolve to be free from negativity of any sort.
I've resolved to be free from whatever restricts me in some way or the other-things,places,people that always have a 'negative' influence on me.'Chains' that bind me,hold me down. I resolve to get rid of all the baggage,little by little.



And it does feel good


Xoxo
Nikita

The illusion that is perfection.

We have all heard of the much in use phrase, “Nobody’s perfect”. But the world around us seems to be full of people who define our idea of ‘perfection’.There are some people we look at,and we wonder “How easy it must be for this guy!”,or “How does she manage to be so virtuous giving or so charitable!” or even “What a stunner,bulit to perfection!”.Our ideas of perfection are subjective,of course. But what I really wonder is,do we really need it? Is there something wrong in being less than moral? And being uprfront about it rather than covering up our own fallacies behind a facade of seemingly unbreakable perfection? Is there something wrong in being an average-looker? Why do people strive all their lives to attain that certain level of perfection they have set for themselves?And finally,who decides?

Ever since we were children,we have been exposed to this kind of idea.Be it through movies,where some of us have idolised the buffed,sparkling ‘heroes’ (And of course,we all wanted to be one! The word hero itself has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? It gives a sense of superiority,a sense of being above the others in a way),we have swooned over the gorgeous heroines,with perfectly manicured nails even when they’re really supposed to be slumming it out in the movie.We have listened to dinner table conversations our parents had about our neighbours perfect MIT-graduate son,who has a perfect job with a ten figure salary,is always impeccably dressed(And while they all said this,some of us,who were below eighteen years old got that sort of dreamy,glazed look from the parents,the secret longing and perfect dream they have for us! While those unfortunate above eighteen year olds who’ve already screwed up with those dreams got the disdainful you’re-good-for-nothing looks.).We have all been told of the virtues of Mother Teresa,and some of us had Value Education in school.We have read about Gandhi.We swallow whatever they dole out on E-news,the beautiful people! People magazine has a 100-most-beautiful-people list! And even a 100-most-powerful list floats around(but more on that in later posts).So naturally,since the very beginning,we have fostered these ideas of “How things should be”.We’ve formed our own standards,and also formed a mechanism of judging people.Yes,we judge.We have a nice little courtroom in a teensy corner of our minds,and we pass our judgement on people.Sometimes we gloat when we see others err,and we’re very quick to pass our judgement there too.Some people pass the test.They’re perfect.

But while we have formed this philosophy, there is really much thought that needs to be given to this.I think we all know that in the end we are only human and it is impossible to have everything in place.It is near-impossible to be virtuous all the time.Sometimes,we like to convince ourselves that we really are good inside-out and while I acknowledge that it is a good feeling to know that we’re on the right track,but i feel there is no strict distinction between black or white.You can’t always tell what’s good and what’s bad,and moreover you can’t always be good.There are times when we’re a little self centred,but it’s quite alright.There have been times,when I’ve made errors of judgement.I haven’t been a perfect person.But It’s okay.Today,it gives me a sense of satisfaction when I can look back and acknowledge the mistakes I’ve made,and I feel we all should do the same.It is tiring to try and be perfect.To try and attain that standard we’ve all set in out heads with a single-minded determination,it wears you out.Accept who you are,embrace it.Accept others the way they are,their virtues,their vices...their flaws.I may be one who thinks this way,but there is beauty in flaws too.
We look up to our heroes,but they have their achilles heel too.But that makes them more real.For instance,in the third installment of Spider man,what i loved most was that Peter Parker swayed.He gave in to his weakness albeit recovering in time.He didn’t try hard to be righteous.He was a real person,someone I could identify with.I think we all face certain points in our lives where we have a choice to make.But the choices we make do not reflect how we are as a person.Suffice to say,its easier to deal with being who you are than try to achieve that spick and span,clean,cut to perfection image.

This is me,proudly imperfect,signing off.

=)

random thoughts

This is a poem I'd written quite some time back...



Your face looks across the threshold,
an empty canvas,
with no lines
or tell tale signs...
I look at you
from far away
and look straight into your eyes.
What stories lie
in those eyes?
Mysteries and a journey,
you alone would know...
But I'm lost inside those waters
too deep for me to show.
A thousand heartbeats later
I barely catch my breath
you close your eyes and drift away
to a world where no one steps
Take me with you for I cant stay
Take me with you,
if only for a day.
I'm lost in you and in your dreams
I'm tangled up in your world and
I cant leave
Let there be silence
but I can hear you speak
It is your silence that makes me weak
You alone know
what lies beneath
your strong facade
and your eyes so deep
Let me in and underneath
I'm lost in you
and in your dreams
Will you step out of the glass house you made?
the four walls that your soul wants to escape
Take me with you
I'll follow,you lead
I'll step on every footprint you leave
Let me come up from under,
I'm lost in the fray
will you let me in?
or shut me away?
I'm lost in you
and in you're melancholy quiet,
you've taken over me
and lit my soul on fire
I cannot tell you from the mysterious spell
you cast
you're a beautiful thing,
I know not of your past...
Why are you so?
Will you let me in,
will you ever let me go?
I'm captivated by those eyes that hold
my gaze to your face
on which I'll paint my love
The empty canvas now beckons me
from above,
let me out,let me up
im lost in you
forever stuck
Locked in your eyes,
too deep to show...
Will you ever let me go?

Look what I found. . .

this post has been a "draft" on my dashboard since October 2009. Finally felt like posting it.

To many people who read this post,it might seem like I'm blogging about a small,little thing.After all,Don't we all have a second cousin who drops out of an engineering college? To many,it might also seem like a knee-jerk reflex after watching 3 idiots.While I concede that I've seen the movie twice and I identify alot with Farhan(essayed brilliantly by Madhavan),This is not about 3 idiots.This is about my journey,a journey which everyone embarks on after they 'grow up',that is,after their schooling is over.It's about my stepping out into the adult world,my choices,my mistakes.It's about learning from those mistakes.It's about realising the true value and worth of Family and Friends.I write openly,because I want everyone to learn from my mistakes.Every child should know the importance of speaking up his/her mind about what he/she wants to do with life and not keep quiet for fear of negative reactions from parents.

Till the 12th grade,I was a very confused kid.I didn't know what I wanted to do,and I'm sure many more face the same problem.I didnt have a clear cut direction or a goal,and being the irresponsible and carefree soul that I was(am),I never gave it much thought.Beyond getting a certain mark in the CBSE board,I really did not have any other aim.Everything was left to my parents to decide.Life was only about tv,movies,books,school,tuitions etc.And in the back of my mind,if ever there was a question as to What after...?,It was calmly answered with "Engineering".But I wasn't totally reassured.You see,I didn't take science because I loved it.I took it,because I was expected to,like every other indian kid is.Not that I regret taking it up,for by the end of 12th,I did start understanding(Finally!),and managed to score well.Physics and Chemistry were never my strong points.I didn't love them,the way I loved Economics and Mathematics.I'd often thought to myself,If ever I'd do well in something,It'll be in the economics side.But I was scared of my father's reaction,so I buried it deep in the pits of my unconscious.He did not want me to struggle,as he had done.."A professional course is the way to go!" was declared unanimously by family and friends.And I'd accepted my fate,as it is.Besides,everyone,myself included did not have enough faith that I would manage to clear the monstrous cut-offs for Economics(H) in D.U. which was what I really wanted to do(But at that time,I wasn't very sure either)My fate was pretty much sealed,that's how I'd shut myself up.I was being pressurised,as most Indian middle class kids are,to take up engineering as their career.My parents,ofcourse,only wanted the best for me.They've fought tooth and nail to ensure my brother and I get the finest education.So after the 12th boards,barely 4 days after actually,I started preparing for entrances like the rest of my classmates.A month after,I got admitted to a university in the south.Friends congratulated me,My Family was ecstatic.Everyone was happy.But in the hullaballoo that was ensuing,noone,not even I,myself noticed that I wasn't happy.

When I got my CBSE result,my instant reaction was to thank god,for I'd get to do what I wanted.But then,a disapproving picture of my parents floated in my mind,and I didn't think they would let me.I thought "forget it,if i can score this much in the board,maybe I might be able to do engg. and even like it".I started learning programming basics,and to my surprise,I was liking it.But still,it wasn't all reassuring.Outwardly,I was happy at the prospect of a new chapter beginning in my life.Hostel life,a good degree,all that was enticing.But looking back,I think I should've spent my time in those days giving a great deal of thought as to "Am I doing the right thing?"..."Is it really enough to just do what the whole world says is good for you?"...I never paused to think to myself.."Do I think it's good for me?".What did I think? It seems I didn't ask myself all these questions then.I left all the thinking to my parents.

Finally the time came when I left for my "college-to-be" with my parents.A weird mixture of feelings was sloshing around inside me.I was sad as I was leaving my brother back home.Brothers,no matter how annoying-are still brothers! :D.
I was also a little intrigued at the idea of going to a new place,making new friends etc.I reached the same day in the evening and immediately,we started unpacking.My room was set up the next day.My mom,who believes in phone diaries in the age of contact lists on cellphones and cassette players in the age of ipods(And I love her for all this),was clicking away with her Olympus reel camera.Dad was mostly quiet,but he was ensuring I get the best of everything there.I think it took me one more day,for the feeling to sink in.It was beginning to hit me,as I walked alone around the campus the second evening."What am I,Nikita Sailesh,doing here?".The feeling was sickening,it was like a horrible knot in my stomach.Besides the realisation that My parents are leaving me here for four years,I was beginning to realise I wasn't meant to be here.Don't get me wrong though-I DID happen to meet a few good people there,but at that time,it was more about what I really,really wanted to do

This was then,Now is Now.


Today, I'm proud to say that I am a student of Economics in one of the best colleges in Delhi University. I'm proud that I've managed whatever little I have. Lessons that were meant to be learnt have been learnt,and the learning process still continues. . .
I'm proud to have the most amazing circle of friends anyone could have-to me you all are like the "leaning tower of spaghetti" (hehe). Love you all- In times of trouble,stress,anxiety,it is you all who help me get through it
There may be ups,there may be downs-but it is this time we will look back on-and we will remember each other and the fun times we had,together :)

Love and other disasters

There's a balloon in your stomach.It keeps inflating and there's nothing you can do to stop it.You break into a smile,quite suddenly and it stays glued to your face all day like you're frozen in a perennial Kodak moment.The skin care product market just lost one consumer,for your face glows like the sun without them,anyway! Horoscopes,tarot cards,numbers all start to matter.Suddenly,your Megadeth and Bhayanak maut loving soul identifies with every cheesy pop song in the history of pop songs.It seems like the lyrics and the songs are tailor made for you.You live in two alternate worlds-the drab real one,and the super cool imaginary one where everything is rainbows and butterflies,and you're walking towards the sunset hand in hand with that special someone.Aah,colours! As Kjo puts it aptly in one of his movies, everything bright and happy like orange,pink,ghastly shades of yellow and even red! start appealing.Your heart accelerates at a million kmph at the mention of one name and even though you're aware that in this day and age,relationships are more like business partnerships and even have a fixed tenure to boot,you don't care! You're a believer.The world is a better place. But before you start wondering whats wrong with you,let me enlighten you.I know what this is.Boss,you're a goner!


It's LOVE! Scaredy cat that you are,though,your rational and conscious mind will refuse to believe it.Step one is accepting that yes,you really,truly are in love.Mostly,people are scared to open their hearts up to this new possibility.WHY?
Yes,there is risk,and there are boulders,thorns,shards of broken glass and hearts on the way but why hold yourself back from feeling it? Take the plunge,immerse yourself in the feeling.Rejoice in it.Embrace it with open arms.Love takes you higher,so fly.

But once you're up there,flying and totally engulfed by the sea of love,do you wonder,what do I do next? Now That's when the flora of the country starts to worry.Flowers will be plucked by the zillion.Petals picked.."Loves me...loves me not..loves me..loves me not".Facebook profiles will be visited every second."Still single...still single...NO!WHAT! Nahi..still single!Phew!".Everything will be analysed.Temples,mosques etc. will be visited.Aah,the suspense!
Then atlast,you profess your love.God forbid,you be jilted!
Then a whole new saga starts unfolding.

Associations of Jilted Lovers wil be joined,experiments with blades will be carried out,names carved on bleeding arms and if you're REALLY a 1990's bollywood fan,onto bleeding torsos("I love you Kiran").You could do a Darr,you could do a Janam Janam ke Saathi,or whatever fluff they doled out in those years.Vodka,desi daru..basically the alcohol sales will plummet enough to account for 20% of the country's industrial output.All in the name of love.

HOLD IT! Wake up,fellas! Snap out of it! Who ever told you that love is easy? What line in the "Rulebook of Life" states that you will have to be loved back in the same way? Noone told you that it will be reciprocated and who said love is all about give and take? And who said to love,you have to be loved? Dears,love is not a simple thing.It's not give-and-take.It's to give,and not to expect anything in return.You care for the other,simply because you do.Making the other person happy,gives you the purest joy.It is selfless.It is unconditional.It is pure and ennobling.It is so many things,yet we stay rigid in our definition.If only there WAS a rule that said yes,you WILL get back what you give.Won't the world be a better place? Heck,there won't even be a genre of music called "Blues". But fret not,and listen up!
There's someone for everyone.So what if you were jilted by one..or maybe more? Doesn't mean you have to give up completely! So what if you care,but the person you care for does not?Doesnt man you have to stop caring altogether! Care,Love,Give! No strings or conditions attatched.
One day,Love will seek you out.Till that day,keep the faith.It could be when you least expect it.Sometimes,you may chose to love.When it is so,you will know.Keep the hope and the dreams.Don't throw it all away.

In this day and age,when relationships are more like business partnerships and even have a fixed tenure to boot,I am a believer.And I play for keeps. :)

Peace and love to all,
Nikita
XoXo

A Lack of Color



Black
It’s a mere five letter word,isn’t it? Yet a full 3 hour movie was made with BLACK as its theme.This five letter word could have 5 million meanings,all of them,different and equally significant.What does Black mean to you? It could be anything, from the color of your party staple(LBD’s ladies?),to the color of your snazzy cellphone.It could mean blindness(A lot of Bhansali fans,myself included would agree),it could also mean the color of the sky before dawn breaks.It is possibly the most versatile color,yet Black,itself indicates a lack of color.

Black is the color of oppression
It is the color of mourning
It is the color of rebellion
It is the color of graduation
It is the color of space
It is the color of power
It is the color of mystery
It is the color of the night
It is the color of the wrong,
It is the color of the right,
It is the color of a lawyer’s robes,
It is also the color of the corrupt man’s money.
It’s the color worn by the jehadis,
Its also the color worn by nuns,
It’s what you see when you close your eyes,
And it’s what you fail to see when you dream.
Black is the color of charcoal,
The same one which makes our eyes beautiful.
It is a branch of dark magic,
It is also,the color of justice.
It is the color of the strong,
It is also what envelopes the weak,
It is the color which surrounds us all.
And yet,it is the absence of color.
Black,truly is beautiful.


Peace and love to all,
Nikita
xoxo