this post has been a "draft" on my dashboard since October 2009. Finally felt like posting it.
To many people who read this post,it might seem like I'm blogging about a small,little thing.After all,Don't we all have a second cousin who drops out of an engineering college? To many,it might also seem like a knee-jerk reflex after watching 3 idiots.While I concede that I've seen the movie twice and I identify alot with Farhan(essayed brilliantly by Madhavan),This is not about 3 idiots.This is about my journey,a journey which everyone embarks on after they 'grow up',that is,after their schooling is over.It's about my stepping out into the adult world,my choices,my mistakes.It's about learning from those mistakes.It's about realising the true value and worth of Family and Friends.I write openly,because I want everyone to learn from my mistakes.Every child should know the importance of speaking up his/her mind about what he/she wants to do with life and not keep quiet for fear of negative reactions from parents.
Till the 12th grade,I was a very confused kid.I didn't know what I wanted to do,and I'm sure many more face the same problem.I didnt have a clear cut direction or a goal,and being the irresponsible and carefree soul that I was(am),I never gave it much thought.Beyond getting a certain mark in the CBSE board,I really did not have any other aim.Everything was left to my parents to decide.Life was only about tv,movies,books,school,tuitions etc.And in the back of my mind,if ever there was a question as to What after...?,It was calmly answered with "Engineering".But I wasn't totally reassured.You see,I didn't take science because I loved it.I took it,because I was expected to,like every other indian kid is.Not that I regret taking it up,for by the end of 12th,I did start understanding(Finally!),and managed to score well.Physics and Chemistry were never my strong points.I didn't love them,the way I loved Economics and Mathematics.I'd often thought to myself,If ever I'd do well in something,It'll be in the economics side.But I was scared of my father's reaction,so I buried it deep in the pits of my unconscious.He did not want me to struggle,as he had done.."A professional course is the way to go!" was declared unanimously by family and friends.And I'd accepted my fate,as it is.Besides,everyone,myself included did not have enough faith that I would manage to clear the monstrous cut-offs for Economics(H) in D.U. which was what I really wanted to do(But at that time,I wasn't very sure either)My fate was pretty much sealed,that's how I'd shut myself up.I was being pressurised,as most Indian middle class kids are,to take up engineering as their career.My parents,ofcourse,only wanted the best for me.They've fought tooth and nail to ensure my brother and I get the finest education.So after the 12th boards,barely 4 days after actually,I started preparing for entrances like the rest of my classmates.A month after,I got admitted to a university in the south.Friends congratulated me,My Family was ecstatic.Everyone was happy.But in the hullaballoo that was ensuing,noone,not even I,myself noticed that I wasn't happy.
When I got my CBSE result,my instant reaction was to thank god,for I'd get to do what I wanted.But then,a disapproving picture of my parents floated in my mind,and I didn't think they would let me.I thought "forget it,if i can score this much in the board,maybe I might be able to do engg. and even like it".I started learning programming basics,and to my surprise,I was liking it.But still,it wasn't all reassuring.Outwardly,I was happy at the prospect of a new chapter beginning in my life.Hostel life,a good degree,all that was enticing.But looking back,I think I should've spent my time in those days giving a great deal of thought as to "Am I doing the right thing?"..."Is it really enough to just do what the whole world says is good for you?"...I never paused to think to myself.."Do I think it's good for me?".What did I think? It seems I didn't ask myself all these questions then.I left all the thinking to my parents.
Finally the time came when I left for my "college-to-be" with my parents.A weird mixture of feelings was sloshing around inside me.I was sad as I was leaving my brother back home.Brothers,no matter how annoying-are still brothers! :D.
I was also a little intrigued at the idea of going to a new place,making new friends etc.I reached the same day in the evening and immediately,we started unpacking.My room was set up the next day.My mom,who believes in phone diaries in the age of contact lists on cellphones and cassette players in the age of ipods(And I love her for all this),was clicking away with her Olympus reel camera.Dad was mostly quiet,but he was ensuring I get the best of everything there.I think it took me one more day,for the feeling to sink in.It was beginning to hit me,as I walked alone around the campus the second evening."What am I,Nikita Sailesh,doing here?".The feeling was sickening,it was like a horrible knot in my stomach.Besides the realisation that My parents are leaving me here for four years,I was beginning to realise I wasn't meant to be here.Don't get me wrong though-I DID happen to meet a few good people there,but at that time,it was more about what I really,really wanted to do
This was then,Now is Now.
Today, I'm proud to say that I am a student of Economics in one of the best colleges in Delhi University. I'm proud that I've managed whatever little I have. Lessons that were meant to be learnt have been learnt,and the learning process still continues. . .
I'm proud to have the most amazing circle of friends anyone could have-to me you all are like the "leaning tower of spaghetti" (hehe). Love you all- In times of trouble,stress,anxiety,it is you all who help me get through it
There may be ups,there may be downs-but it is this time we will look back on-and we will remember each other and the fun times we had,together :)
