Hello,Hello

A very warm hello to all! I know it has been ages since I’ve blogged and I must say, it took a hell lot of effort to get back to blogging. Somehow, even though life throws so much at you that there really is no dearth of matter to write about, I still couldn’t find the will to write (God only knows why). But here I am, back again and it actually feels good. So I think I shall fill you all in on what’s been happening.

EXAMS!
In less than a month.
And as is always the case, whatever little creativity I do possess decides to come out only at this time! So I have been attempting to sing, to write, to read and to basically do everything that I never really do, all at this crucial time. (This also includes attempting to cook!). Also, being one of those gullible consumers who lap up everything they show in TV advertisements, I found myself browsing through a whole plethora of books on Flipkart (And I ended up ordering 2 as well!). Well, suffice it to say, Flipkart pretty much equals consumer satisfaction.

But this is not all I want to write about. You see, there is a lot that is on my mind and being the epitome of disorganization, I cannot seem to find the correct and straightforward way of writing about them without talking in circles. So please bear with me while I struggle to find the right words.

First, let me start off by telling you why turning 20 scares me . Yes, I am turning 20 in about two months, so the big number is pretty much looming large over my head. Thing is, I kind of always wanted to turn twenty. I had a whole image in my head of who the 20-year-old me would be. A bad case of Acne was certainly not part of it. Nor was the fact that I would actually not be ‘mature’ enough as my parents put it. (Although now I do feel sometimes that the whole concept of maturity is overrated, but that could also be a case of sour grapes so let’s not dwell on it). Well basically I always thought I would be a certain way and right now, far far away from my fantasyland , I am not even close to being that way. But is it really that bad?


I think somewhere in the back of our heads, there is almost a utopian concept of who we are and who we want to be. We all aspire to be a certain way, to look the part, to be secure in our relationships and to be a little worldly-wise. When we meet and interact with others, we find diversity at its best So many different personalities and yet we are uncertain of who we really are. Sometimes we want to change-maybe a few aspects of our personality or even a total overhaul, the desire stems out of a need to be accepted and liked by the people around us.
And in the midst of such a confusion, we tend to forget what is inherent in our nature and what we are. Yes, the situation is better known as an ‘Identity Crisis’ or even ‘finding yourself’, ‘soul searching’ etc.

Even as I struggle to find my own identity, trying to do different things to figure out what I really want from life, I find comfort in knowing that no matter what I do, I will always be surrounded by people that I love the most- my family and friends. And for that, I am grateful. Although there is more I would like to write on this, I think for now this is all I would like to share. Perhaps I will add more when I have had the right kind of epiphanies.

And to close, I will quote one of my dearest and nearest friends,


“Life will be what I want it to be, and not what it wants me to be”—Kriti Bagga ( ☺ )

XoXo
Nikita

She lives on disillusion road. . .

When do you know it is the time-the ‘right’ time to let go of all your secrets?
When do you know it is the ‘right’ time to let someone in?
When do you know it is the ‘right’ time to tell someone you love them?
When do you know it is the ‘right’ time to begin?

How do you know what life holds for you before you start living?
How do you know that your time won’t be flying away?
How can you know what tomorrow will promise to bring?
How do you know what your fate will say?

We don’t know the answers,
We don’t know the questions,
All we know is we seek different things,
In our own quests we move,
Following something we can’t explain,
And yet we all can tell,
We’re headed somewhere, oh yes. . .

But what if you don’t know where you’re headed?
What if tomorrow’s promises seem bleak?
What if you find it hard to trust?
What if you find your confidence hard to keep?
Will you turn back or will you fight what you face?
Will you give up or look for your place?
Will I give up or find myself?

Rain.

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby. ~Langston Hughes



Rainy days...How I have a love-hate relationship with them! On one hand, I love the greyness of the sky,the rustling of the leaves,the earthy smell and the first few drops of rain falling on my unsuspecting forehead. The sound of thunder,oddly comforting.The occasional visual treat of lightning splitting the sky. And then the heavy downpour,the sound of raindrops falling on concrete.

On the other hand,I do wish away the gloom that comes with rainy days. Ofcourse, I do appreciate the beauty of rainy days(And how it gives the capital a thorough washing-Lutyen's becomes a sight for sore eyes! ) But I can't help the emotions that plague me on such days. For rainy days make me think a little too much, about all sorts of things-rational,nonsensical,illogical,nostalgic and sometimes thoughts that edge on masochism! Rainy days also bring out the romantic in me, thus effectively reinforcing the feeling of loneliness which,for some reason,I do feel at times. Rainy days make me nostalgic as well as I remember making paper boats with my colony 'gang' and those childish peals of laughter can be heard in the deep recesses of my mind.

Right now,the weather outside can only be described as amazing. How I'd love to run free! Free in the rain,inhaling my favourite 'mitti vaali' smell. Or even sit on my terrace with a hot cuppa chai listening to my special 'rainy day' songs on my ipod. Or better still, listening to the sound of the rain-soothing and relaxing.

All in all,I'm very confused as far as my relationship with Rainy days is concerned. But one thing is for sure, I am definitely not one for umberellas!

Images.

Some images shot by me recently. . .

Childhood that seems to linger on in the inner recesses of our minds
Strength and Fortitude,Wisdom and Knowledge that comes with age
Beauty in mythology

So many things to capture. . .

Born Again

It's been a long time since I've written and posted anything on the blog. I don't have any particular reason for refraining from putting pen to paper,only that I was going through a tumultuous time in my life and found myself facing a chronic case of 'writer's block'.

The thing about these times of downturns are that they make you think and introspect.
Ofcourse,these are the dark and gloomy days when everything seems grey and nothing seems to matter,no one seems to care. You find yourself caught up in feelings that come from a very deep seated place within, feelings that come from the more vulnerable side and you often feel like you are undergoing something you don't understand. These feelings can overwhelm you, often make you lose your sense of rationality. Perhaps we don't comprehend them because we choose to block them when they initially surface. Blocked they may be, but they stay in our subconscious. And before we know it,we are caught up in a barrage of emotions we never knew existed in us. Often, we get caught up in a spiral of negativity,which was the case with me.

However,the thing about these times are that they make you realize a lot of things, As I did. What I learnt was that these times are necessary. IT IS NECESSARY TO FAIL. It is necessary to take the trip downhill. It is okay to feel low, even chronically depressed. Because it is only these times that shake you up and make you realise that complacency does not help. You realize what is important in life . You realize that whileyou may have certain goals,it is perfectly okay to not reach them immediately. Everything takes its own sweet time. These down times make you more resilient and infuse in you a sense of longing to get out of them. For the key is with you, It is only you who can unlock yourself up and let yourself be again. It is upto us to get out of the cycle of negativity. Yes, we get a new lease of life. Just like I feel I have been born again.

It is a new life that I have now, And I intend to do the most I can with my new lease of life. All the passions I wanted to pursue, I will pursue them. I will learn music, I will write, I will learn photography (something I''e really wanted to do!), I will learn a new form of dance (Already done Garba,Cha-Cha-Next up it's JIVE! :D ). I will remind myself each day that perhaps the standards I have set for myself are too high and it is normal to not reach them. It is important,at the end of the day, to accept who you are and love yourself (No matter how cliched it sounds)

"Failure is not negative. It is a teacher. It molds, refines and polishes you so that one day your light will shine for all to see. It isn't the failure you experience that will determine your destiny but your next step and the next that will tell the story of your life"




Xoxo
Nikita