Random musings

Those empty eyes,

They stare at me,

As I try to search for something deeper,

I find nothing.

Thoughts flooding my head,

When all I want is silence,

But the spirits speak to me.

What is there?

What is not?

Confusion and chaos.

The sound of a shattering glass,

dark and morbid,

haunts me from beyond.

Is there some air?

Breathe life into me.

I’m coming undone…

Photographs

A few photographs that I took recently.
I simply loved the colors of the first snap. I'm not big on chunky jewelry as such but together all of them sort of amalgamated to give a burst of color!

The second shot I took when I was feeling slightly melancholy. I'm partial to black-and-white formats, plus I think it brings out the shadows and the interplay of light and shadows well.

The third was just a random experiment. The main idea behind the snap was the importance of time in our lives, the globe-like shape with a tiny clock in the middle led me to think about how in our world time is such a crucial player. Indeed, timing is everything.

The last shot was taken at Khan market, New Delhi. I just wanted to capture the hustle and bustle of a typical weekday in Khan and I hope I have captured the energy of the place.

Someone told me recently that I should start practicing more with my camera. Touche! I definitely will. :)

New Beginnings

Three years have come and gone, and I stand today wondering how so much time has just gone by without me noticing. All those moments that have made up this time are etched in my memory, I wouldn't say like imprints on sand as the water washes them away. No, these memories are mine to keep.

So much has happened. So many ups and downs. above all, I have realized that in between the mayhem called "College"  I have managed to find some wonderful friends! As I sit now, reminiscing about the days we have spent together, I wonder where will life take us now? While it's true that new chapters are going to begin in all our lives, it is also true that we won't ever forget each other.

This is a time for new beginnings. For all of us. And I hope with all my heart that wherever life takes us, it will bring us back together time and again.

I love you, my girls.

That's all for now dear readers, I will be back soon to update you all.

Xoxo
Nikita

Dreams.

The little dreamer who always dreamt,

Of a land far away where her days were spent,

Where she was the sole ruler of her own destiny,

Where luck played the joker and she played the queen.

Far far away and hidden from the world,

There danced the spirits and there played the girl,

It was where she could be anyone she wanted to be,

Where she wasn’t afraid to be herself, where she could believe.

She always wanted to sing her song,

And in her little wonderland everyone played along,

They told her she could reach for the stars if she tried,

But the little girl was scared and her dreams just died.

The little girl soon began to lose her voice,

What a shame, what a shame! For she always had a choice,

She could merge the two worlds and choose to be,

For our world wasn’t so cruel after all, she could see.

Look what I found...

this post has been a "draft" on my dashboard since October 2009. Finally felt like posting it.

To many people who read this post,it might seem like I'm blogging about a small,little thing.After all,Don't we all have a second cousin who drops out of an engineering college? To many,it might also seem like a knee-jerk reflex after watching 3 idiots.While I concede that I've seen the movie twice and I identify alot with Farhan(essayed brilliantly by Madhavan),This is not about 3 idiots.This is about my journey,a journey which everyone embarks on after they 'grow up',that is,after their schooling is over.It's about my stepping out into the adult world,my choices,my mistakes.It's about learning from those mistakes.It's about realising the true value and worth of Family and Friends.I write openly,because I want everyone to learn from my mistakes.Every child should know the importance of speaking up his/her mind about what he/she wants to do with life and not keep quiet for fear of negative reactions from parents.

Till the 12th grade,I was a very confused kid.I didn't know what I wanted to do,and I'm sure many more face the same problem.I didnt have a clear cut direction or a goal,and being the irresponsible and carefree soul that I was(am),I never gave it much thought.Beyond getting a certain mark in the CBSE board,I really did not have any other aim.Everything was left to my parents to decide.Life was only about tv,movies,books,school,tuitions etc.And in the back of my mind,if ever there was a question as to What after...?,It was calmly answered with "Engineering".But I wasn't totally reassured.You see,I didn't take science because I loved it.I took it,because I was expected to,like every other indian kid is.Not that I regret taking it up,for by the end of 12th,I did start understanding(Finally!),and managed to score well.Physics and Chemistry were never my strong points.I didn't love them,the way I loved Economics and Mathematics.I'd often thought to myself,If ever I'd do well in something,It'll be in the economics side.But I was scared of my father's reaction,so I buried it deep in the pits of my unconscious.He did not want me to struggle,as he had done.."A professional course is the way to go!" was declared unanimously by family and friends.And I'd accepted my fate,as it is.Besides,everyone,myself included did not have enough faith that I would manage to clear the monstrous cut-offs for Economics(H) in D.U. which was what I really wanted to do(But at that time,I wasn't very sure either)My fate was pretty much sealed,that's how I'd shut myself up.I was being pressurised,as most Indian middle class kids are,to take up engineering as their career.My parents,ofcourse,only wanted the best for me.They've fought tooth and nail to ensure my brother and I get the finest education.So after the 12th boards,barely 4 days after actually,I started preparing for entrances like the rest of my classmates.A month after,I got admitted to a university in the south.Friends congratulated me,My Family was ecstatic.Everyone was happy.But in the hullaballoo that was ensuing,noone,not even I,myself noticed that I wasn't happy.

When I got my CBSE result,my instant reaction was to thank god,for I'd get to do what I wanted.But then,a disapproving picture of my parents floated in my mind,and I didn't think they would let me.I thought "forget it,if i can score this much in the board,maybe I might be able to do engg. and even like it".I started learning programming basics,and to my surprise,I was liking it.But still,it wasn't all reassuring.Outwardly,I was happy at the prospect of a new chapter beginning in my life.Hostel life,a good degree,all that was enticing.But looking back,I think I should've spent my time in those days giving a great deal of thought as to "Am I doing the right thing?"..."Is it really enough to just do what the whole world says is good for you?"...I never paused to think to myself.."Do I think it's good for me?".What did I think? It seems I didn't ask myself all these questions then.I left all the thinking to my parents.

Finally the time came when I left for my "college-to-be" with my parents.A weird mixture of feelings was sloshing around inside me.I was sad as I was leaving my brother back home.Brothers,no matter how annoying-are still brothers! :D.
I was also a little intrigued at the idea of going to a new place,making new friends etc.I reached the same day in the evening and immediately,we started unpacking.My room was set up the next day.My mom,who believes in phone diaries in the age of contact lists on cellphones and cassette players in the age of ipods(And I love her for all this),was clicking away with her Olympus reel camera.Dad was mostly quiet,but he was ensuring I get the best of everything there.I think it took me one more day,for the feeling to sink in.It was beginning to hit me,as I walked alone around the campus the second evening."What am I,Nikita Sailesh,doing here?".The feeling was sickening,it was like a horrible knot in my stomach.Besides the realisation that My parents are leaving me here for four years,I was beginning to realise I wasn't meant to be here.Don't get me wrong though-I DID happen to meet a few good people there,but at that time,it was more about what I really,really wanted to do

This was then,Now is Now.


Today, I'm proud to say that I am a student of Economics in one of the best colleges in Delhi University. I'm proud that I've managed whatever little I have. Lessons that were meant to be learnt have been learnt,and the learning process still continues. . .
I'm proud to have the most amazing circle of friends anyone could have-to me you all are like the "leaning tower of spaghetti" (hehe). Love you all- In times of trouble,stress,anxiety,it is you all who help me get through it
There may be ups,there may be downs-but it is this time we will look back on-and we will remember each other and the fun times we had,together :)

Hello,Hello

A very warm hello to all! I know it has been ages since I’ve blogged and I must say, it took a hell lot of effort to get back to blogging. Somehow, even though life throws so much at you that there really is no dearth of matter to write about, I still couldn’t find the will to write (God only knows why). But here I am, back again and it actually feels good. So I think I shall fill you all in on what’s been happening.

EXAMS!
In less than a month.
And as is always the case, whatever little creativity I do possess decides to come out only at this time! So I have been attempting to sing, to write, to read and to basically do everything that I never really do, all at this crucial time. (This also includes attempting to cook!). Also, being one of those gullible consumers who lap up everything they show in TV advertisements, I found myself browsing through a whole plethora of books on Flipkart (And I ended up ordering 2 as well!). Well, suffice it to say, Flipkart pretty much equals consumer satisfaction.

But this is not all I want to write about. You see, there is a lot that is on my mind and being the epitome of disorganization, I cannot seem to find the correct and straightforward way of writing about them without talking in circles. So please bear with me while I struggle to find the right words.

First, let me start off by telling you why turning 20 scares me . Yes, I am turning 20 in about two months, so the big number is pretty much looming large over my head. Thing is, I kind of always wanted to turn twenty. I had a whole image in my head of who the 20-year-old me would be. A bad case of Acne was certainly not part of it. Nor was the fact that I would actually not be ‘mature’ enough as my parents put it. (Although now I do feel sometimes that the whole concept of maturity is overrated, but that could also be a case of sour grapes so let’s not dwell on it). Well basically I always thought I would be a certain way and right now, far far away from my fantasyland , I am not even close to being that way. But is it really that bad?


I think somewhere in the back of our heads, there is almost a utopian concept of who we are and who we want to be. We all aspire to be a certain way, to look the part, to be secure in our relationships and to be a little worldly-wise. When we meet and interact with others, we find diversity at its best So many different personalities and yet we are uncertain of who we really are. Sometimes we want to change-maybe a few aspects of our personality or even a total overhaul, the desire stems out of a need to be accepted and liked by the people around us.
And in the midst of such a confusion, we tend to forget what is inherent in our nature and what we are. Yes, the situation is better known as an ‘Identity Crisis’ or even ‘finding yourself’, ‘soul searching’ etc.

Even as I struggle to find my own identity, trying to do different things to figure out what I really want from life, I find comfort in knowing that no matter what I do, I will always be surrounded by people that I love the most- my family and friends. And for that, I am grateful. Although there is more I would like to write on this, I think for now this is all I would like to share. Perhaps I will add more when I have had the right kind of epiphanies.

And to close, I will quote one of my dearest and nearest friends,


“Life will be what I want it to be, and not what it wants me to be”—Kriti Bagga ( ☺ )

XoXo
Nikita

She lives on disillusion road. . .

When do you know it is the time-the ‘right’ time to let go of all your secrets?
When do you know it is the ‘right’ time to let someone in?
When do you know it is the ‘right’ time to tell someone you love them?
When do you know it is the ‘right’ time to begin?

How do you know what life holds for you before you start living?
How do you know that your time won’t be flying away?
How can you know what tomorrow will promise to bring?
How do you know what your fate will say?

We don’t know the answers,
We don’t know the questions,
All we know is we seek different things,
In our own quests we move,
Following something we can’t explain,
And yet we all can tell,
We’re headed somewhere, oh yes. . .

But what if you don’t know where you’re headed?
What if tomorrow’s promises seem bleak?
What if you find it hard to trust?
What if you find your confidence hard to keep?
Will you turn back or will you fight what you face?
Will you give up or look for your place?
Will I give up or find myself?